Bruce Glasscock is frustrated and tired. He lives platonically with his wife Linda as caretakers of an English Trust house, preserved since the 1930s - much like the Glasscocks' sex life. Bruce isn't trusted to do much and the pills he's on from his army days mean he is banned from doing things he'd like, so he passes his days cleaning toilets and being treated like a child by Linda. His main entertainment comes from encouraging his dog Bruno to piss on the head of the garden gnome and sneaking to the RegNancy pub for some falling-down water. When a keen new volunteer called Richard arrives, he's everything Linda adores and Bruce hates - cocky, helpful, charming, interested, and knowledgeable. And, the harder Bruce tries to get it right and come out as top dog, the worse it seems to be getting.
Simon Crump is the author of two collections of short stories, Monkey's Birthday and My Elvis Blackout. He lives in Sheffield.