How Can I describe my emotions at this catastrophe, or delineate the wretch whom with such infinte pains and care I had endeavoured to form? There was a bolt that affixed his neck to his spine, there were screws holding his forehead to his skull; but now was the moment of truth. I plunged the electrodes into his rectum and switched on the current. He gave a groan and he was alive! He spoke as he sat up, 'Have you got a fag mate?' My God, I had given birth to a nicotine junky! I handed him a cigarette which I lit, then leaping off the table he stood there. But, alas, we had forgotten one thing, he had no support for his trousers which fell to the floor revealing his manhood in all its glory. If any women saw them they would be leaving their husbands in thousands. Quickly I got some string round his trousers. What had I done? No mortal could support the horror of that countenance! I rushed downstairs, to seek refuge in a cupboard where I remained during the rest of the night walking up and down in great agitation, something difficult to do in a cupboard.

Author Biography

Spike Milligan was perhaps best known as one of the Goons. He went on to become one of Britain's foremost comic writers and performers. His bestselling titles include Adolf Hitler: My Part in His Downfall, Puckoon and Where have all the Bullets Gone? He died in 2002.