The game of cricket was invented by the Brits, perfected by the West Indians and Australians, and to this day - and no doubt forever more - will continue to utterly baffle the everyday Yank. To say it is a strange sport is an understatement of Viv Richard's sized proportions. What other game would have you wearing the same colour as your opposition? What other game would it be good thing to have the runs? In what other arena would it be more fun watching a beach ball fly round the crowd rather than watch the professionals in the middle? But for all that, fans don't just like cricket, oh no, they love it!
However, yelling out pithy one-liners at a five-day test match requires a great deal of concentration, stamina and!booze. It is not for the timid or weak. Repetitive sayings may work for say, an eighty-minute rugby game, but yelling 'You're a loser' becomes downright boring by lunch on the third day. What better reason then to arm yourself with Cricket Speak - a book you can pop in your pocket along with your vodka-injected watermelon, bacon sandwiches and Sunday morning paper, and pull out when inspiration is lagging.If, like the typical sports punter, for whatever desperate ego driven reason you need to become the centre of attention, this book is for you.
Too often when I’m at a cricket match I don’t know what to yell out, though being a zealous supporter, I feel as though I should. Something informed, yet witty. Something that could be used in both the company of yobbo and ICC Executive. (And no, they’re not the same thing.)
WHAT TO YELL AT BATSMEN
‘Why don’t you throw him a piano, see if he can play that!’
‘Do you want someone to put a bell on it?’
‘It’s red and it’s round!’
‘Come on, Cinderella, get to the ball!’
‘Feel free to use the bat!’
‘My grandmother could have hit that.’
WHAT TO YELL AT THE UMPIRE
‘It would have missed two sets of stumps!’
‘Oh, come on, we’re not good enough to get him out twice!’
‘Back leg in front!’
‘He didn’t touch it you deaf bastard!’
‘It was off his leg!’
‘Where’s your guide dog?’
WHAT TO YELL FROM THE CHEAP SEATS
‘Oi, Tufnell, can we borrow your brain? We’re building an idiot!’
‘How the hell did your mother get you out?’
‘You’re not good enough to get mad!’
‘How’s your wife and my kids?’
Justin Brown is the author of UK ON A G-STRING, a book inspired by a lost bet at a rugby game. TEED OFF IN THE USA soon followed to be succeeded by the wildly successful RUGBY SPEAK. He lives at the foot of a volcano with his family in New Zealand. Visit Justin's web site at www.justinbrownbooks.com.