Unicorns, as we all know, frolic all over the world, pooping rainbows and marshmallows wherever they go. What you don't know is that when unicorns reach the end of their lifespan, they are drawn to County Meath, Ireland. The Sisters at Radiant Farms have dedicated their lives to nursing these elegant creatures through their final days. Taking a cue from the Kobe beef industry, they massage each unicorn's coat with Guinness daily and fatten them on a diet comprised entirely of candy corn. As the unicorn ages, its meat becomes fatty and marbled and the living bone in the horn loses density in a process much like osteoporosis. The horn's outer layer of keratin begins to develop a flavor very similar to candied almonds. Blending the crushed unicorn horn into the meat adds delightful, crispy flavor notes in each bite. We are confident you will find a world of bewilderment in every mouthful of scrumptious unicorn meat.
Unfortunately, due to restrictions on the importation of mythical processed meatstuff, we are unable to bring you Canned Unicorn Meat in the way the Sisters of Radiant Farms intended. When you open your can, you will find one tiny unicorn which has been appropriately sliced into its main cuts of meat. Simply use your Growth Ray to re-embiggen the unicorn before skinning it and processing its flesh. Or if you're lazy, just bring it to your local Mad Scientist-Butcher. He'll know what to do.
Radiant Farms Canned Unicorn Meat Specifications
- 14 ounces of delicious unicorn meat, canned for your convenience
- Imported from a small independent cannery in County Meath, Ireland
- Crunchy horn bits in every bite - an excellent source of Calcium
- Tastes like rotisserie chicken but with a hint of marshmallow sweetness
- Easily spreadable for sandwiches, hors d'oeuvres, and more
- Sparkly meat lends the unmistakable air of class and sophistication to your parties
- Unlike other meats, unicorn fat is polyunsaturated and lowers your LDL cholesterol
- Not yet approved by the USDA or FDA, but the nuns have eaten it for centuries and they're healthy as horses
- The bottom of the tin is easily removable to gain access to the mini dead unicorn inside. No can opener needed!
- Okay, for real: you can't eat this. It's a dismembered stuffed unicorn in a can.
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