The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

Here, a gay psychologist demonstrates how to heal the trauma of being a gay man in an uncompromisingly straight world. Whether he is flamboyantly fashionable with a body chiselled to perfection or chronically dissatisfied and without lasting relationships, the stereotypical extremes of male gay behaviour are fuelled by the same dark force: shame. The inevitable by-product of growing up gay in a straight man's world, the experience of shame in childhood and adolescence sends a boy the message that he is other and that he is worthless. To avoid feeling shameful later in life - and even after he is no longer explicitly shamed by his sexuality - a gay man will quietly rage against the memory of this message and strive to excel dramatically to prove it wrong. The stereotypical manifestation of this inner battle is a gay man's success in the arts, fashion and in his body image; as with all the other forms of beauty, creativity and success, he is hiding behind the facades he creates.

Building on the collected psychological research and the author's own experience of the past twenty years, "The Velvet Rage" will help gay men profoundly understand their dichotomous extremes. Explaining the psychological underpinnings of the forces at play in their lives, it also offers helpful strategies to stop the insidious cycle of avoidance and rage. Empowering and validating, "The Velvet Rage" will influence the public discourse on gay culture and positively change the lives of gay men who read it.

From The Velvet Rage

The most important issue in a gay man's life is not "coming out," but coming to terms with the invalidating past where we learned that we are shameful. Only within that awareness can we confront the shame and eliminate its insidious influence over our lives. For certain, the most damaging part of social oppression has never been the act of oppression, but the oppression that we internalize within ourselves. As a therapist and a gay man, I know that it is utterly life-changing when a man sees the truth about the shame that has driven him and his constant, sometimes frantic efforts to avoid it. This avoidance of shame has shaped our lives, determined our careers, and chosen our lovers. Not until we acknowledge its power over us are we free to choose a different, more fulfilling life.

Review

"Downs, a practicing psychologist in Santa Fe, NM, has previously written on corporate dysfunction and the crises of adulthood. Here, he joins other recent commentators, most notably Patrick Moore (Beyond Shame), to offer a self-help book for gay men coping with the shame of their sexual orientation. While some readers will find his stage approach to gay development a bit deterministic, those familiar with gay men will find a good deal of honest reporting here. Without being maudlin, Downs, himself a gay man, writes movingly of his clients and their struggles to come to terms with themselves -no small task. For many gay men, the most important chapter will be the one that comes last: there, the author outlines ten lessons that lead to a life of authenticity. Though these would apply to anyone seeking a mature adult life, Downs uses a uniquely gay spin that makes this book stand out in the literature. Recommended."Library Journal

Author Biography

Alan Downs, PhD is a gay man and clinical psychologist practicing in Santa Fe, New Mexico. His fifteen years of treating clients have already been reflected in his numerous books in both leadership and self-help. Downs is an accomplished speaker and has appeared on TV in America many times.